A Year Ago

With the end of the year approaching I typically look back and reflect on the past year. 

It's hard for me to even think about what I felt last Christmas. In many ways I'm so removed from the way I was feeling and the incredible weight I carried around with me at that time. Last Christmas, my sweet friend Kaliegh had died only six months ago. Those six months seemed like an eternity. It was dark and hard and sad. Last Christmas felt so wrong. I couldn't see the celebration, I just wanted to be with my friends who knew and loved Kaliegh as much as I did. I wanted to sit in the heartache and pain I was experiencing. It was a holiday without her, and I only wanted to be with people that knew and loved her. 

When I think back to that time and those feelings it still feels very real. I still miss Kaliegh. I still think of memories we shared and every once in a while a song will come on the radio that reminds me of her, and I cry and miss my friend. I know that most of that will never change, I'm lucky to have had something that made saying goodbye so hard. But goodness, this past year Jesus has brought so much life and joy into my life. I have experienced just the beginning of how he is going to redeem this part of my story. 

There's a quote from Shauna Nequist that I was reading a few days ago that really struck me. I completely identified with the way she talked about the pain of tragedy, but the beginning of seeing beauty through it. 

"But what I know is that we're discovering that lots of times, not every time, maybe, but more often than not, there is something just past the heartbreak, just past the curse, just past the despair, and that thing is beautiful. You don't want it to be beautiful, at first. You want to stay in the pain and the blackness because it feels familiar, and because you're not done feeling victimized and smashed up. But one day you'll wake up surprised and humbled, staring at something you thought for sure was a curse and has revealed itself to be a blessing - a beautiful, delicate blessing."

That's exactly it. A year ago life was dark and hard and that's okay. But it's also okay that it's not that way anymore. It's okay that I have a new job, a great community of friends and that school is going well. It's okay that I see and experience Jesus in a way I never have before. It's a new season of life I've stepped into. I want to prepare myself to be amazed by God. Prepare to be astounded by him when he does more than I could infinitely ask for or even imagine. 

I'm grateful for where I've been and I will miss my sweet friend forever, but I'm so blessed to see the beginning of beauty in that brokenness now. Jesus is so real and He is abundantly good.